Tag: Life

Brought To My Knees

I have been brought to my knees. I mean this in both a physical sense and in a spiritual sense. Nearly three weeks ago my back went out. As someone who has spina bifida, this can present some serious issues. I have been unable to walk normally, as the pain in my back has radiated down my right leg. This has caused my knee to frequently give out when I attempt to walk. Fortunately, after a round of muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatories, and rest my body is finally starting to heal.

The day after my back went out I was told I’d be working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic. This was really kind of a relief, as I haven’t been able to drive myself anywhere due to the numbness and pain in my right leg. I have always crawled around my house when I am home, as that is how I get around the quickest when I am not wearing my leg braces. Therefore, crawling to my workspace each day has helped me to avoid missing work days. Why drive when you can crawl?

As this pain has brought me to my knees in a physical sense, it has also brought me to my knees spiritually as well. Very few of us living today have ever experienced anything such as the “shelter-in-place” orders that various nations, cities, and villages have enacted throughout the past several weeks. It is difficult to stay positive when the world appears so chaotic. For instance, I was just reading a report from an epidemiologist from Yale University. This particular scientist believes there will be far more illness and deaths in the weeks to come.

Just weeks ago, life looked very different for all of us. Families were making their plans for spring break, birthday parties had been planned, and schools were preparing to head into their last few months of the year. Then all of these things just stopped. The world just stopped. We all have started to look at life in new ways. I am no different.

I have always been quite an introspective person. I tend to look at the lessons that can be learned through my experiences. I firmly believe God has been teaching me that I need to step back and analyze certain aspects of my life. He is working to change some habits of mine that are unhealthy. I am praying that in the next few weeks I will learn to listen when God speaks to me. Now more than ever I feel the need to stay on my knees.

I am thankful that God’s promises are true. I have failed Him many times. However, God has never failed me. Likewise, I feel fortunate that He has used this time to bring me to my knees. Why drive when you can crawl?

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Observations From the Inside

Tomorrow will be two weeks that I have been working from home. In that time I have made some observations. First, my dream of working from home is not as fantastic as I thought it would be. I’ve always been an introvert, so I thought being home alone all day would be great! However, it can be dreadfully boring. I think the only thing that has saved my sanity is the ability to listen to podcasts while I am working.

Another thing I have noticed is that we have some needy cats! Our cat Dot insists on being held at least 4 times a day. It doesn’t matter if I am on the phone, or typing away at the keyboard. When Dot wants to be held, you will hold her, no questions asked!

Our other cat who we have not really ever named anything other than Cat likes to walk around the house meowing. However, she doesn’t like to be held. Although, she does love a good belly rub. She will also just stop on occasion and stare deep into my soul, as you can see below.

Last week as I began to work from home I thought, “yes now I don’t have to shave!” That only lasted through Saturday when I could no longer stand the whiskers itching my face. Now I am down to one shave a week, which helps me feel normal.

As week two of my seclusion ends and I look to begin week three, I might start putting on real pants. Wearing sweatpants all of the time is lulling me into a false sense of security. I feel like I am not gaining any weight, but I am sure if I put some work pants on, I’d be in for a rude awakening. Maybe I’ll be surprised. I’ll keep you posted.

It is strange when work and home life collide. Until now, I have always been able to leave work at work. However, that is no longer possible. I guess it is nice that I have been able to cut my commute time from 8 minutes, to nearly 2 minutes. That allows for a little bit more sleep, which is always a bonus.

I am beginning to wonder when this exile will come to an end. I’m guessing that it will be at least another month. By then I might not want to go back to the office. I’m wondering if the cats will grow tired of me at some point. I guess only time will tell.

Today I went outside for the first time in a few days. It is beginning to feel like spring. Hopefully, with the life that is beginning to awaken outdoors, it will give us all a fresh perspective. To quote a line from the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” I am glad life has slowed down a bit, it has helped me to see things in new ways. I am greatful for that opportunity.

Dot and Cat posing for their “Glamour Shot”

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Baby Magic

I must admit the last few weeks have been very difficult for me. As I have mentioned previously, I struggle at times with depression and anxiety. These feelings have been amplified by the events that are occurring throughout the world today. It is difficult to stay positive when the lives of many are crumbling on a daily basis.

It is during these trials that I try to remember the positive things in life. My wife Amanda and I are incredibly fortunate. We are both still working full time. In addition we have a warm home where we are able to seek refuge from the outside world. Moreover, all of our family, both near and far, are healthy. Finally, we have the joy of raising a baby boy, who brings happiness into our lives.

Another thing that I try to do when life seems to overwhelm is look back on memories of happier times. One of the things that triggers memories the most for me is my sense of smell. Fragrances are things that often cause me to recall events in my life. One scent that brings back such good memories is Baby Magic. For those who might be unfamiliar with this product, Baby Magic is a liquid soap for babies. However, I have used it many times for sponge baths while hospitalized.

Amanda and I use Baby Magic to bathe Baby Boy. Each bathtime is filled with memories. For instance, my mind often wanders to times spent at Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago. Once I was hospitalized there for a case of osteomyelitis, which is an infection in the bone tissue. I was in the hospital for six weeks, however, I have fond memories of that time. All I need to do is open the bottle of Baby Magic and I am transported back to that time. I was just a young boy who had no responsibilities. Plus, I was surrounded by a group of wonderful nurses, who were at my beck and call.

I don’t know when this global pandemic that we are currently experiencing will end. I am guessing that we have a long way to go before we see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you are like me and the events of the day have you feeling anxious, just hold on, there are better days to come. Try to hold on to the good that is in your life. You might have to dig deep, but it is there. Take time every day to think of the things for which you are thankful.

This day will end with Amanda and I reading to Baby Boy before he goes to sleep for the night. His hair will smell of Baby Magic and my mind will be absorbing the experience of seeing life through his eyes. His smiles and his cooing will be just what I need to remember that life is good, despite the circumstances.

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Gimme Shelter

I have not left my house in 5 days. I started working from home on Monday, which has been sort of a surreal experience. Getting up and getting ready for work when you don’t have to leave the house is actually more difficult. It feels like there is less motivation to get out of bed knowing that the office is just down the stairs. I can say it is an experience that I have not enjoyed all that much.

It is more difficult to get things done, as I cannot print documents at home due to the nature of my work. Having to look up information and then minimize windows on the computer to go back and forth from one screen to the other is tedious. I am working with dual monitors. However, it still slows things down when you have to drag something from one monitor to the other.

I always kind of dreamed about working from home, but now it just seems to be more of a nightmare. Despite these rather minor inconveniences, I feel quite fortunate to still be employed. It seems as if the world is becoming more chaotic by the day. It is nice to know that I have a shelter from the storm.

I am thankful to have a home where I am able to work. Likewise, I feel fortunate that my family has remained healthy through this time. It has actually been a blessing in disguise that I have been able to be home, as my back has been bothering me for over a week now. Working from home gives me the flexibility to move around and get into a position to where the pain is not so bad.

I don’t know when I’ll actually emerge from my hermit-like state. Perhaps it will be this weekend. Maybe it will not be for another few weeks. We are stocked up on food and other supplies. It has been nice that the pace of life has slowed a little. There is definitely more time to spend with family.

The silence here was almost deafening today. That is one of the greatest gifts that this situation has bestowed upon the world. Things around us seem to be more quiet. That makes it easier to focus on the spiritual aspects of life. Plus, it is just nice to be able to step away from daily routines.

If you are stuck at home send me a message and let me know what kinds of things you are doing to pass the time. I know that I have readers from other countries. If you live outside the United States let me know what life is like where you are. I’d really like to hear what you all have to say.

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43

On Friday I turned 43 years old. Amanda made me one of my favorite kind of cakes using a recipe handed down through my family. We then had a nice dinner and spent a quiet evening at home with Baby Boy. It was a good day to celebrate the blessings that life has brought. However, it was also a day to remember a lost loved one.

March 13, 1989 was the day I turned 12 years old. It should have been a carefree day to celebrate getting older. Sadly, that was not the case. For you see, my dad had recently been diagnosed with myelofibrosis, a rare cancer of the bone marrow. On my 12th birthday my dad started treatments that were meant to try and stop the progression of the disese.

I still remember him waking me up that morning and wishing me a happy birthday, hugging me, and letting me know that he was sorry all of this was happening on my birthday. It certainly was not what either of us wanted, but that is often how life is. At times there is heartbreak.

My dad would not live to see me turn 13. The disease, with which he had been diagnosed, rapidly progressed into acute myeloid leukemia. This is what ultimately took his life on September 2, 1989. This was all too much for a 12 year old to process, which is probably why I still do not react to change very well in my life.

When I was born I know my dad was concerned with how I was going to make it in life. At that time people with disabilities were often marginalized, which still happens today. However, I think those who are disabled have begun to make progress. Many disabled people are employed, are married, and have families. I’d like to be able to speak with my dad today and let him know I have made it. His worry about me was for nothing.

My dad was 43 when he passed away. Now that I have reached that age myself, I see things from such a different perspective. I still feel like a kid in many respects. There is so much more living to do. My dad missed out on so many events in the lives of his wife and children. I still feel cheated that he was not there for graduations, weddings, and other important milestones. Despite this, life is too short to be bitter.

I don’t believe, nor have I ever believed that my dad is watching over us from some spiritual realm. However, I do believe when he died his soul went to Heaven. This is a place where there is no sorrow.

Therefore, he is not looking down on us and seeing the things with which we are struggling here on Earth. He is celebrating in a place where there is no pain. It brings comfort to me knowing he was able to leave his physical existence that was filled with agony. He had a short life here on earth, but his life in eternity is so much sweeter.

I hopefully have a lot of life left to live here on Earth, but I look forward someday to joining my father in that place where there is no sorrow. I just hope there is cake too!

My dad in his senior yearbook photo
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Baby Boy

It is just past 2:00 a.m. as I write this. My thoughts cannot help but turn to how infuriating life can be at times. It is simply unfair. I just got done feeding Baby Boy. That is what I will call our foster child, as I will never divulge his name on this blog.

I am angry with this precious child’s biological parents. They are missing out on seeing him develop and grow. Amanda and I have had Baby Boy for nearly two weeks. In that time he has become more aware of his surroundings, he has begun to show pieces of his personality, and he has brought us happiness.

As I look into this baby’s beautiful eyes it infuriates me that there are people who seem to have no struggle at all bearing children. Amanda and I are unable to have a baby of our own. So, why is it so easy for people who seemingly couldn’t care less about the children they bring into this world? It is unfair! It is painful to know that baby boy may go back to parents who lack the ability to provide the things that he needs. We want to be those people in his life.

In the time we have had this child, we have grown to love him as if he was our flesh and blood. He is a sweet baby who has given us a desire to learn all that we can to be the best parents for him, even if it is just for a short time.

It is so difficult to wish for Baby Boy to be reunited with his parents. We don’t know them, but it is heartbreaking to think that this child whom we love will be given back to parents who may not give him the same love and support he needs to grow into a healthy adult. Life is unfair, especially for this little boy who needs two parents to raise him in a loving, caring environment.

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Not So Happy Little Accidents…

I hesitated at first to write about this experience because I feel as if it may be outside the boundaries of what is appropriate to share about myself. However, my intentions when I first started this blog were to provide a humorous perspective on what it means to be disabled. Some of the more challenging situations in life can also produce the most amusing, at least in hindsight. I tend to be a person that can find my way into some of the most absurd predicaments. These usually occur at the most inopportune times. Often it is my own body that creates events that make me want to run and hide. For instance, let me share with you what happened to me at work yesterday.

As I have noted before in this blog, controlling my bowels can be an issue for me. This is a common problem for those with spina bifida. I believe I might also have irritable bowel syndrome (I love to self-diagnose). These two conditions when combined can result in embarrassing situations. One minute I can be sitting down enjoying a conversation with someone and the next my bowels can go on high alert. If I do not hurry to the bathroom I can wind up having an accident, as I did yesterday at work.

I had just settled back down in my cubicle after eating lunch when I felt that unmistakable rumble in my gut. I knew there was little time to spare before I needed to head to the restroom. Fortunately, my cubicle is just a few feet from the restroom. However, that would not save me this time. When I sat down I realized I was going to need a change of clothing. This was going to be a problem. I usually keep a spare of pants in the backpack that I take with me to work. However, my backpack was in my cubicle and there was no way I could go and retrieve it. What was I going to do? My first thought was to scream “FIRE,” run out to my car, and speed home where I’d hide out until the apocalypse occurred. Then I came to my senses and did what anyone would do in this situation. I reached for my cellphone, which was tucked away in my pocket, and called my boss. Yes, I know what you are thinking, no one would actually call their boss in this situation!

I have a very understanding and caring boss who I knew would understand my situation, as she has a son who has special needs. Thankfully, I was able to explain my situation in a calm manner. I requested that she have a male co-worker bring me my backpack, which he graciously did. However, to my horror there were no spare pants in my bag! I then called Amanda, and being the loving wife that that she is, she left work to bring me a change of clothing.

I tell you this story for a few reasons. One, life can be a challenge when your body does not work properly. It is these times that you can choose to feel sorry for yourself, or you can rise above your circumstances and learn from them. Second, I want everyone who reads this to find the humor in it. Don’t feel sorry for me. Laugh with me and enjoy the absurdity that life can bring. Finally, I tell you this story to let you know that I am fortunate to work with such great people. When I go to work next week, I am gonna to ask my boss if she has ever had an employee call her from the restroom. I bet that she hasn’t. I will also bet that she will smile and we will have a good laugh. Life is far too short to take yourself so seriously. Learn to see the humor even in the worst of times. At the very least you’ll have a good story to tell.

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